Je ne suis pas.

PLEASE READ THIS!!!

2006-07-09T03:34:29Z

sorry to those who read both of my journals, but this is important.

PLEASE READ THIS!!!

I have some really terrible news... anyone who knows/knew Heather Sweeney- her father died yesterday morning. He had like, six different diseases, but I think the main cause was lung cancer. She was my best friend for most of elementary and middle school, and I loved her dad like my own, basically. This is really hard for even ME to stomach, and I hate to think about how she and her family are feeling. My family and I are going up to Bennetsville, where they are right now, tomorrow I think... if there's something you'd like me to tell her or anything, comment.

I won't be posting anymore in this journal, but I thought this was important enough that everyone I am friends with should know.

Dithertwitch!

2006-06-10T03:32:56Z

Malled today avec Patrick and Joe and, later on, Tai and Sam. Matt was supposed to go, but he didn't. <3 Loser. ^_^ We played DDR and Percussion Master a lot... ewww sweaty. And my hands hurt.

I am getting tired of the mall... I've been there waaaayyy too much. I am also getting tired of... life. And don't leave me comments being all "oooh be happy Erin don't be sad and wallow in your misery and stuff" because if you can tell me one thing I have to be happy about, really truly happy, one thing that I cannot find an argument for.... well... then you win. But honestly, I feel like there is very little for me to be happy about. Yes yes, be happy about the little things and don't focus on the bad- whatever. It's hard to do that right now. >_<

I am not in a good mood. I want macaroni and cheese.

Gay kid, where are you? The Waffizzle Hizzle beckons!

I don't think I can do this anymore.

IwishIwereAsian7: Can you at least tell me why you are not talking to me?
IwishIwereAsian7: Please?

Auto response from inexprimable: People who are sensible about love are incapable of it. ~Douglas Yates

inexprimable: I don't want to
IwishIwereAsian7: why?
IwishIwereAsian7: Why can't you just talk to me?
inexprimable: I just don't want to anymore
IwishIwereAsian7: you don't want to talk to me anymore? At all?
IwishIwereAsian7: Ever?
inexprimable: I don't know...
IwishIwereAsian7: why? What did I do to you?
inexprimable: I've tried to help you, and I've tried to make you happy
inexprimable: but I can't do it anymore
IwishIwereAsian7: So you're just going to stop being my friend?
IwishIwereAsian7: because I am unhappy sometimes?
inexprimable: not because you're unhappy
inexprimable: you've changed
inexprimable: and I can't follow you anymore
IwishIwereAsian7: what are you talking about? People change.... but that's no reason to just stop being my friend
IwishIwereAsian7: and you could at least have told me that
IwishIwereAsian7: instead of just ignoring me for two weeks
inexprimable: I was trying to straighten it out in my head
inexprimable: and it is when people change for the worse and when they do things you don't agree with
IwishIwereAsian7: so how have I changed for the worse?
IwishIwereAsian7: In what ways?
inexprimable: you seem to be spinning out of control
inexprimable: and I can't deal with it anymore
inexprimable: I can't help anymore
inexprimable: I'm sorry

I can't fucking believe this.

Hey look! I'm imitating the present!!

2006-06-09T07:59:47Z

MB!! asthu! ^_^ I would totally have sexed you all over the place if you were straight and we actually were attracted to each other and it wasn't in the WaHoo parking lot... well... hahaha. ^_^ <333 Je t'aime, m'dear.

Gay kid made my whole life better, really... I love Waffizle Hizzling it up with him in the wee hours of the morning. ^_^

Graduation was today and all... I didn't cry. Which was weird, but nice. I like not crying. I almost cried when it was obvious that Sherri was the only one of the peoples making an effort to talk to me at all. I was going to go and say something to Jess, but I knew she wouldn't listen, and I didn't know how to begin. I wish I had tried, though. I hate this, and I want it to go away. I don't even want to be her friend anymore, I just want all the animosity to stop.

I don't know about Kelsey. I love her to death, and she has been my best friend for a long time.... but she is acting so stupid about all of this. Sometimes she just drives me crazy... but I don't want to just forget all the good times. "So much of me is made up of what I learned from you..." But if she's not even going to talk to me, qu'est-ce que le point?

I love you Aeron. You are most def. one of my very favorite peoples EVER. <3 Like, my list is:
* James
* Aeron
* Sherri...

Well those are my top three, at least. XD <3 But A-Dawg, fo sho, son... you are my favorite. I love everyone, but I love you the most. I think I mentioned that.... XD

I am uber sleepy. And a bit hysterical. And hopped up on hot chocolate. And confused a lot and weird, but not quite sad anymore. AERON WE WIN AT SUCKING.... LITERALLY. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am funny. We're going into business together.... after I get some sleep. Night!

The fire's out and never ever gonna start...

2006-06-08T05:26:54Z

Today was kind of boring. Woke up at seven to take Bridget to school, then came home and slept til about five... then we watched "The Producers" and "RENT." Bridget didn't totally hate RENT and I loooved the Producers. <3 It was awesome.

Tomorrow is graduation. I want to go, but I don't know if I need a ticket. I have mixed feelings about going, actually. I don't want to miss it, but I know I am going to feel horrible the whole time. And cry. >_> Someone give me a ticket?

But afterwards I will be playing with Joe before he runs away to the Police Academy thingy... and Friday I want to mall again. lol. I have been to the mall so freakin' much in the last two weeks. It's borderline ridiculous, really.

Bridget and I decided- there are three things that no musical can make any less scary. They are: the KKK (icon in honor of it), Nazis (okay, a little less), and ostriches (by which we mean Uma Thurman). ^_^

My first day of being eighteen was extremely uneventful. And lonely.

Happy last half-hour of my birthday!

2006-06-07T04:18:16Z

Today was actually very good, considering. ^_^ I went to school for the first time in a week, which made me feel kind of special. Everyone was all "OMG I MISSED YOU!" and whatnot. It was neat. ^_^ And the yearbook signage, the running around al crazy-like.... it was good. ^_^

Then Joseph, Patrick, Matthew, Megan, and Ashley Streets (weird, I know) and I all sat around the parking lot (and ventured to Taco Bell) for a while and then I ended up taking Ashley home before we went to the mall because Jessica had apparently decided that Ashley didn't need a ride home or something. Oh wells. Ashley is kind of weird, and they are incredibly similar.

Anyhoodles, the mall was pretty fun. We played Truth or Dare for like, two hours in BAM! after we got tired of DDR and Karen left. <3 Maxx was there and that was kind of odd, as I don't know how he feels about me anymore. 'Tev. Still fun times. ^_^ I LOVE YOU MATT AND PATRICK AND JOE. You guys really made my birthday a good day. <3 Thank you. ^_^

Presents! Joseph spent so much money on me, I feel bad. >_> He got me RENT and the first two Harry Potter movies, and Matt-Man got me POTO.... Patrick won me the KH2 display, and Kylie gave me the game. ^_^ <333 Thank you. ^_^ Sherri gave me sidewalk chalk (which we're totally using at the mall XD) and bracelets... and her mommy gave me money and a sweet card. I love Sherri's family. <3

Joe is really amazing. Really. He says all the right things, things that I haven't even decided are the right things... he is an excellent kisser, and he touches me so tenderly. He makes me happy. <3 I want this to be good. I have an overwhelming urge to make every single one of my friends happy all the time, and I don't think I can do that... but I want to make them happy at least some of the time. >_>

I can't fucking believe this. None of my best friends were there to celebrate my birthday with me. The people who know me best in this world- not one of them was there. Two of them I forgive- James because he is 500 miles away, and Sherri because she was busy. The other two... I am just really hurt and angry that you would do this to me. Kelsey, because you have no reason to be ignoring me and acting like this, and Paul, because I thought I meant something more to you.

I do not know what to do anymore. I don't know how to feel. I just want everything to be over.

jolie_folie @ 2006-06-05T22:26:00

2006-06-06T02:44:28Z

I keep starting posts and then changing my mind. I can't figure out how to put my thoughts into words. I don't want to sound stupid... but I can't just keep it all in. And I don't know who to talk to.

I am quite fond of Matthew Steven Worrell, Patrick Kelly Thomas Karetas, Paul Daniel Kirkpatrick, and Joseph Lewis Pezzullo. ^_^ Also Aeron David Lempert, Karen Maria Miles, and Kylie A_____ Roberts. I didn't give away your secret, Kylie. ^_^ <3

I am tired of being hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. Two of my best friends are gone, although one is still here and just isn't my friend anymore, apparently... the love of my life is out of my life, and I'm not even sure he loves me anymore... I don't want to love him anymore, because all that has come from it is pain and regret.... I have too many regrets and not enough accomplishments.... I am a bad friend, girlfriend, person in general... I am tired of feeling this way.

Please let this make me happy. <3

The sweetness will not be concerned with me...

2006-06-06T01:07:19Z

Jimmy Eat World makes me happy, but thoughtful... they are amazing. ^_^ Which seems to be my word of the forever, since that's all I've been saying lately.

Today I went to the mall place with Patrick to see if we won the thingy in EB Games, but we had to leave before they told peoples. Soooo I guess tomorrow? ^_^

TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!! Woot woot. ^_^ I am excited, even though it probably won't be very special at all. >_> I hope peoples go to the mall place. And buy me presents. ^_^ hehe. <3

Kelsey's still ignoring me, and it's really beginning to piss me off. I mean, HI! What started this whole thing anyway?! Jessica ignoring me.... and now she is. What the crap, man. I didn't even do anything to her. I thought she was supposed to be my best friend, and she's not even talking to me. WTF. Grah. Stupid people make me mad.

I think I will try being happy for a change. I think Joseph is a good thing... but... there is still a nagging feeling in the back of my mind and a twist in my gut.... I don't know. I just want to concentrate on the happy and not worry about the stupid. ^_^ <333

Tomorrow will hopefully be really awesome... I hope lots of people go to the mall... and I hope I don't fail Economics, although I don't see how I won't. Sigh. Oh well. What does it even matter? ^_^ I just can't wait to be done with all of this crap. I feel so much older than everyone around me. I don't fit in anymore. Did I ever? I don't think so... I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I used to think it was okay, that at least I had all of my friends that loved me, but now... I feel like there are precious few people who are still close to me and love me. But who cares? I am fine.

I am fine.

jolie_folie @ 2006-06-05T01:48:00

2006-06-05T05:48:02Z

He wrote me songs. ^_^ This is definitely a good move, methinks. <3333

You were the song all along.

2006-06-05T04:26:12Z

OMG I am still reeling from RENT and the trip. The car ride home wasn't as much fun as before, but we still sang (RENT obviously, and then listened to the African clicky lady for the rest of the drive), and we went to the Coke place. We didn't do much there. XD But it was fun for a while, and lots of good pictures. This weekend was truly the best time I have had in months. I am the happiest I have been in about a year.

A-Dawg burned me CDs at his house while we watched "CAMP" and this is what he gave me:
* Decemberists
* Hairspray
* Avenue Q
* RENT stage version (2 CDs)
* RENT in German (2CDs)
* RENT in Spanish (2 CDs)

I have EIGHT CDS OF RENT. ^_^ Woooooot. <3 Thanks gay kid. Je t'aime!

Anyhoodles, so I guess Joseph and I really are going out? I think so. ^_^ I think this pleases me... but at the same time there is a funny feeling in my tummy. I don't know. I wish there was someone who I could talk to that would totally and completely understand me and not judge me too much. >_> But I don't know who that would be. A-Dawg and Kare-bear are good, but I don't think they want to listen to me whine anymore than they already have, right guys? ^_^ It's all good, though.

Tuesday I shall be at school. This is your last chance to buy me pressies and figure out if you're going to the mall afterwards. Please tell everyone that might be interested!!! I want to spend my birthday with my friendy type peoples...

I do not know anymore. I quit.

::deep breath:: HERE WE GO

2006-06-04T04:37:13Z

So once upon a time, last night (yesterday morning?) at 6:30, I left my house for a great expedition. I got gas, a cappucino, and a Karen, and we were off! Except we were off to the ATM first. Which, by the way, does not work when you have no working windows. ^_^ We totally beat the gay kid to Joe's, which was funny because OMG .7 miles. Annnnd we arrived.... at 7:01.

The car trip was really really cool. The van thing- omg so awesome. SO AWESOME, with the seat flippy thing and the fifteen cup holders for seven people... and it was fun, singing RENT and Spice Girls and Savage Garden and Linkin Park and then ranting and yelling and talking and stuff. Weee! Fun times. And only like, six hours ish. Wee! Happy.

So the hotel was pretty neat- all fancylike and whatnot. We immediately discovered the Internet Room.... and promptly updated all of our LJs and MySpaces (except Joseph, who sadly lives in a world deprived of LiveJournal...) (I lied, he apparently has an LJ! Who knew?!) (Oh, he just got it... okay then, that makes sense. ANYWAY) and then we scampered off to play the Underground place thing. WHICH WAS REALLY FREAKIN COOL. We rode the train thingy and there was the scary lady who laughed at my lip ring! She was like "Why the HELL would you DO that?! I mean, SHIIIIIT! WHY would you DO that?!" And I was like "ahhhhh!!! >_> Go 'way."

This computer hates Karen. >_> It's sad. <3 But the point is...

RENT WAS AMAZING. First, we had to run down the street for about... ehh... half a mile (rofl) in order to get there on time and stuff, and we were sprinting and panting and it was funny and WE TOTALLY WEREN'T LATE (much) and it was AMAZZZZINNNGNGNGNGNGNGGNGNGGNG. WE WERE IN THE SECOND ROW!!!! And Aeron and I were all like "omgwtfbbqahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrofl" and stuff. It was so freakin' awesome! ^_^ Woottastic. ^_^

WE GOT SHIRTS. AND WE MOOED WITH MAUREEN. I AM IN LOVE WITH MARK. OMG. Amazing. Best night of my life. I am so glad that Jessica got mad at me and Joe, and that Karen and I got to go instead of her. ^_^ It was.... the best night ever. So much. Love. Yes.

So now A-Dawg is lying sleeping in his bed (okay, roll-out couch) of pain, for he has possibly gotten the flu.... maybe from the bum that was all "here's how you get to the train, gimme moneys" and stuff... but yeah, Joe and Karen and I are chillin' in the Internet Room. ^_^ Hi guys!

I have now been awake for a consecutive 34 and a half hours. ^_^ Woot. I win.

jolie_folie @ 2006-06-03T16:21:00

2006-06-03T20:21:57Z

Yeah, the first thing we did in Atlanta (after explore the hotel) is find the internet.

RENT OMG OMG WEEE!! 24 hours plus without sleep. ^_^

YAYYYYY <33333

jolie_folie @ 2006-06-03T06:22:00

2006-06-03T10:23:51Z

WEEEEEEEE!!!! ^_^ YAY FOR RENT AND HAPPY AND WOOT SOON!!! ^_^

Yay for the gay kid not sleeping either. <3 ^_^ And bravo- only one LJ entry in all those hours. <3

Tonight was indeed interesting.... especially the mall parts. ^_^ Kissing lessons are silly. <3 Je t'aime, Matt and Patrick. ^_^

I didn't sleep.... obviously. And I am hyper now. A lot. ^_^ Woot excessive ^_^s.

KAREN AND AERON AND JOE AND I ARE OFF TO SEE RENT LIVE IN ATLANTA!!! woooooooohoooooooo.... peace out, yo. <3 ^_^

NO SLEEP TONIGHT!!!

2006-06-03T05:43:39Z

Yeah, today was ridiculously awesome. <3 I LOVE MATTHEW STEVEN WORRELL AND PATRICK KELLY THOMAS KARETAS! ^_^ You guys win. <3

Malled avec Karen and Patrick and Matt and the Jamie girl and some other peeps... fun times! ^_^ <3 Patrick. ^_~ We waited around for Matt and Jamie to get out of XMen so's I could take him home, and then we decided to go see the Da Vinci Code! ^_^ FUNNN. I am greatly pleased by this movie- wonderful job. <3 Fun times.

Only a little in trouble, too. I left at three in the afternoon and came home at one in the morning... hahahha. ^_^ I have to be up and getting Karen and Aeron for RENT in about.... ehhh.... four hours. ^_^ HAHAHA No sleepy pour moi. >_>

So it's gonna be a long night... I shall find something to do. XD I need a shower, and to finish my Fash. Merch. project, and I always find something to amuse myself. Woooot. I shall sleep on the way there, mayhaps. Goodnight all you normal peoples. <3

RENT TOMORROW OMGOMGOMG LIVE OMGOMGOMG SO EXCITED OMOGMOMG RENT!!!!

Four days, btw. Buy me: Harry Potter DVDs, RENT DVD, give me money.... etc

Oh, oh goddammit, I think that I've lost you....

2006-06-02T00:27:09Z

Mmhm. So today... after waking up at 1:45 and then watching "Passions" (Dude, it's getting so intense now... the tension is just mounting and everyone's freakin' out... ahem. anyway.) and eating food, I was lying on my bed reading when my mommy told me I had to call Karen to tell her to call Mrs. Joe's Mommy about this weekend. So's I did.
"Kare-bear!" I exclaimed upon hearing her lovely voice.
"Err-bear!" She responded, sounding pleased to hear from me.
We chatted for a while, about school and RENT and stuff, and it was simply lovely to talk to her. I miss you Kare-bear! I am glad that this weekend we'll get to play. <3

So anyway, after that I called Sherr-bear, and we talked for a bit too... again, about school and stuff. I get to go back Tuesday (MY BIRTHDAY) for to take my exaaaams.... which suuucks because I missed a week of Economics. Arg. Oh wells. I don't freakin' CARE anymore. I just want to... like... disappear. Sigh.

But then after I got off the phone with Sherri, Evan and Taylor (better known as Xkarl, or X-Money) showed up at my house. I missed Evan. <3333 And Taylor is pretty neat too. I really miss Alex Rike, though. He's freakin' AWESOME. Anyhoodles, we talked for a while too... it was really cool. And funny. ^_^ I like Evan and Taylor and Alex, even though he wasn't here, he is just so freakin' cool.

So then I went to the Senior Night thingy... I had about twenty minutes of chatting with the gay kid, hugging random peoples, saw Fred!! and Gabi, and Abbie, and Sherri and Kelsey (not really considering she didn't even say hello to me) and their parents, and Kylie and MB! <333 Annnnd... Jillian and Kyle and Anthony and Tai... a bunch of peoples. And the gay kid had to give me a dollar because I went to talk to Sherri and Kelsey and they were sitting with Jessica, and he dared me to and I said "give me a dollar and I will" and it was awesome. ^_^ Yayy.

Then I was kicked out, but 'tev. I went to Matt's to return his clicky thing and stuff, and his puppies attacked me and it was funny. ^_^ Hehe. I missed Matt. <3

Anyhoodles... this has been a long post and it's not even midnight. XD I'm sure much more drama will ensue this evening. Or possibly tomorrow. At any rate, until next time, faithful readers.

jolie_folie @ 2006-06-01T00:24:00

2006-06-01T04:31:17Z

IwishIwereAsian7: what's wrong with you tonight? Why can't you just talk?
paulthegoddess: klat ot tnaw tnod i
IwishIwereAsian7: okay. then just tell me that. >_> Why don't you want to talk to me anymore?
paulthegoddess: maybe cause things got kooky
paulthegoddess: just
paulthegoddess: maybe
IwishIwereAsian7: how are they kooky?
paulthegoddess: with the drama at your end
paulthegoddess: and my dumbass on mine
IwishIwereAsian7: there's always drama with me
IwishIwereAsian7: what in particular?
IwishIwereAsian7: last night?
paulthegoddess: no no
paulthegoddess: more than that
IwishIwereAsian7: tell me
paulthegoddess: just with you being expelled
paulthegoddess: i dont think you need me for this part of your life
paulthegoddess: i mean its hard to say but
paulthegoddess: i feel like your crutch
IwishIwereAsian7: You're not my crutch. If you were I'd have fallen down a bazillion times, and way earlier than this.
IwishIwereAsian7: What is the "dumbass"ness you mentioned?
paulthegoddess: me being a slack ass stoner
IwishIwereAsian7: oh, well. Yeah.
paulthegoddess: i not that deep erin
IwishIwereAsian7: What do these things have to do with each other?
paulthegoddess: deep as a person
paulthegoddess: me being a dumbass is me being a dembass
IwishIwereAsian7: You can be
paulthegoddess: dumb
paulthegoddess: i can be deep
paulthegoddess: but im saying about this
IwishIwereAsian7: about being a slack-ass stoner?
IwishIwereAsian7: it's hard to be deep about that
paulthegoddess: US
IwishIwereAsian7: you're not deep about us?
paulthegoddess: stop being weird
paulthegoddess: just be cool okay
paulthegoddess: if i want some space
paulthegoddess: and you can sense that
paulthegoddess: then dont interogate me
IwishIwereAsian7: I'm not trying to. I just wish you would talk to me
paulthegoddess: ^^slightly serious
IwishIwereAsian7: I don't understand this
IwishIwereAsian7: I don't understand any of this
paulthegoddess: i just dont wanna think about it for a while
IwishIwereAsian7: fine
IwishIwereAsian7: fine

I've made it a point to keep my LJ almost cryptic and impersonal (well, as close as I can get) but I can't.... I just want to document this for perusal at a later date. No need to read and/or comment.

IwishIwereAsian7: hmm. Well, basically, we talked about everything and decided that we're both still in love and stuff, but we're going to take some time.... like.... I dunno
IwishIwereAsian7: He says he's not ready to give up his singleness
IwishIwereAsian7: which I take to mean he still wants to be able to smoke and drink and flirt with other girls and stuff
IwishIwereAsian7: and I guess... I feel like he just doesn't want me anymore
IwishIwereAsian7: Like I've messed it up beyond all repair
IwishIwereAsian7: but I still really love him and want to be with him more than anything else, but........ I don't know. I feel like I should try to move on, but it's impossible.
J Crew9178: hmm
J Crew9178: if he feels the same way, that you both are inlove then i dont really get why not being single is so difficult
IwishIwereAsian7: I don't know. He tells me he loves me, we kiss (and then some), but he says we're still just friends and stuff....
J Crew9178: i can see him not wanting to get back togather so quickly for other reasons
IwishIwereAsian7: I asked him if we could hang out sometime, and he said "maybe next week kiddo"
IwishIwereAsian7: ... which affected me weirdly for some reason
J Crew9178: well its sort of derogitory
IwishIwereAsian7: that's what I thought
J Crew9178: its more like how you would talk to a little cousin thats just how it seems to me
IwishIwereAsian7: yeah, like a little kid or something
IwishIwereAsian7: exactly
IwishIwereAsian7: it seems like he's making it clear that he's not attached to me or anything, like we're nothing more than friends....
J Crew9178: but then again paul is kinda wierd so im not sure what it means coming from him :-\
IwishIwereAsian7: Yeah >_>
J Crew9178: is that the feeling you get when you hang out with him lately?
J Crew9178: or just from that comment?
IwishIwereAsian7: no, when we're hanging out, he's all gropey and kissy and stuff..... and we always end up having sex. always.
IwishIwereAsian7: it's ridiculous
IwishIwereAsian7: I feel almost like he's just keeping me around for that, really...
J Crew9178: :-\
J Crew9178: i really hope not
IwishIwereAsian7: It feels like that sometimes. >_> I don't want to think that though
J Crew9178: but from what you've told me it seems more like a FWB thing on his part
IwishIwereAsian7: But the way he does it... he tells me "I love you, I care about you, I just don't want to be with you right now." And then he comes over or whatever, and he's holding me and kissing me... then he says "can I make love to you?" not have sex, not fuck.... make love. And I don't freakin' get it.
IwishIwereAsian7: It's so weird
J Crew9178: that first line is so contradictory though
J Crew9178: idk
J Crew9178: talk with him about it
IwishIwereAsian7: I can't. He won't TALK to me.

Okay I'm done. What EVER. >_< I quit. I give up. You win.

SIX DAAAAYYYSSS!!!!

2006-06-01T03:42:40Z

Yeah, so.... I actually did stuffs today! Whewt! I went to the mall place and met up with Patrick, then Dustin and Gary were there.... Dustin is quite the flirt. lol. ^_^ He's so cute. <3 I feel kind of bad for making fun of him all the time, but he's suuuuch an easy target!!! ^_^ Patrick and I had a lot of fun, and he's really awesome. Hi Patrick! <3 He's really sweet, and says such awesome sweet things. Je t'aime Patrick. <3

I don't know how to feel right now. I am very confused, and very torn... I don't know what I want. Or I want several things, but cannot have/do/get them. >_> Sigh.

"And if your heart is broken
You can just do what you do best
You can just do what you do
When your heart is broken
Trust in the one who will love you
Never put others above you."

I forgot how much I love Barenaked Ladies. They're freakin' amazing. That song... this CD... sigh. Lots of weird connections in my mind. Lots of stuff... sigh. I just want to forget lots of things and be someone else for a while. It'd be nice.

I'm tired of feeling. It's too much work. ^_^

The ribbon on my wrist says "Do not open before Christmas."

2006-05-31T04:35:32Z

I miss James a lot. >_> And I am tired of feeling.... worthless. Really, that is how I feel.

Andrew and I hung out tonight, went to get Thai food at the Blue Elephant... AMAZING. I've never had Thai before, but it was still very very good... and the atmosphere is awesome, the service is good, the staff are cuuuute little Asian men, all Engrish and hunched-overness. <333 It was excellent.

We talked a lot, and went to the beach afterwards.... it was.... sigh. We kissed... he held me and stuff, and it was really cute and sweet, actually. It was nice- the beach, the fireworks, him kissing me and holding me close.... but I feel like he is just doing it because in a month he will be in a mostly-male military school, where relationships are not likely. Like, I'm his last-ditch effort at- what? I don't think he wants to date me. I guess just sexual stuff, then. All I am good for. >_>

I don't think Paul wants me anymore. I think he'd rather smoke pot, get drunk, and flirt with other girls, than try to be with me again. I guess he loves me, but I don't see how it matters if he doesn't want to be with me. I suppose I should do that moving-on thing... but I know it's impossible. Especially if we stay so close. I am so confused by all of this, and Kelsey's not even talking to me to help.

Whatever. I thought I was happy. >_> Maybe one day.

EIGHT DAYS

2006-05-30T02:36:10Z

    The first time I knew I was worthless was the summer I turned twelve. I had started growing breasts in fifth grade (age 10) and they had ripened quite nicely. I was proud of the way my body was changing, until those two weeks spent at my grandmother's house with my cousins. My older cousin, Rick, was about fifteen that summer, and at the height of puberty. Needless to say, his hormones were driven to the brink of insanity by my blossoming body, and his mind followed suit.
    "Hey, Anne... Come here. I want to show you something."
    Of course I followed him into his room, suspecting nothing. When he stuck his tongue down my throat, though, I knew something was up.
    "Ewww!!!! Rick!!! That's so disgusting!"
    His hands were on my breasts now, groping and squeezing. "Shh, you don't know anything. It's not disgusting. It's perfectly natural. I bet you don't know anything about sex, do you?"
     "I know you're my cousin! It's gross!"
     "It's all right. Just let me show you a few things so you don't look stupid for your boyfriends. It doesn't count if I'm just showing you."
     I struggled and kicked, but it was no use. He was much stronger than me and before I knew it, his hand was in my pants. I fell onto his bed, trying to scream, but he had his other hand over my mouth.

    "Scream and I punch you. Now, let me see..."
    He pulled my shirt up and forced my bra down. His mouth was all over me, and his hands were working at my pants. I kicked him as hard as I could, and suddenly connected with his groin. He let out an anguished cry and let me go. "If you ever touch me again I'll... I'll... I'll call the cops!" I yelled as I ran out of his room in tears.
     That was by no means the last time he touched me, and he was by no means the last boy to do so. He wasn't even the first, actually. A few years before, when my breasts were just blooming, a lifeguard at the water park had molested (the word sounds so dirty) me repeatedly. My dad thought I just lost interest in the park and stopped buying season passes.
    Since then, I always knew I was worth nothing more than physical pleasure and fulfillment. That was my purpose in life, I figured, but I never knew that anyone else would realize that. I never thought I was seen as worthless by anyone but the men that wanted me. But slowly I came to realize that no one really wanted me, not even them. Not even my friends. Not even my family.

So there ya go, A-Dawg. Edit that. ^_^ Not sure why it did two, but I don't know how to fix it. O_o

Today was- surprise! A waste of time. I read, watched TV, ate food, did dishes, and cleaned my room a bit. I feel pointless. >_>

Tomorrow I have to go to school for some hearing thing. Woooo hooo. But I am all right with it now. I have accepted it and formulated a plan. Weee! I am all right, those of you who bothered worrying. <3

BTW- On my birthday, next Tuesday, the 6th.... everyone should go to the mall place. Meet in the arcade, and bring me pressies! ^_^ We can celebrate my birthday, and those of you who want to see me can! Woooot. Everyone should spread the word to everybody who might want to go. The more the merrier, and the more presents/money I get. XDDD so yeah. next Tuesday! Weee! ^_^

That is all.

I less than three Ozma.

2006-05-29T01:13:22Z

I went out in the middle of BLACK BIKER WEEKEND thing to KMart to get a bag of Skittles... I think I have a problem. XD The cashier lady was all like "all that for a bag of Skittles?!" cuz the line was eighteen miles long.

Other than that, my life has become a routine. One that goes like this:

Wake up
Eat something
Read
Read
Read
Read
Eat some more
Read
Eat while reading
Maybe watch TV
Read
Internet
Sleep

Mmmhm. All it takes is four days. Sigh. Oh well.

I have to go to school for some kind of something on Tuesday, and I don't know if I'll see anyone or if I even want to... but it'll be at like 12:00 or something. I want to get my stuff out of the book locker, so if someone could comment with the combination, that'd be cool. And on the off chance I do see anyone, you should bring me my stuffs just in case. If not, we'll set up a date later. >_>

Anywho, I don't have anything else to say, seeing as how my life consists of reading, sleeping, and eating... and some more reading. ^_^ Ummm... maybe something interesting will happen to me.

I feel I must interject here...

2006-05-27T02:24:50Z

Yeah, so... thanks to all the people who called and/or emailed and/or commented here to see if I was all right, or arrested, or beaten to the point of hospitalization, or lying dead in my room or anything. Thanks a lot, Sherri. Who only called tonight anyway.

I'm going to run away and never ever come back. No one would notice.

So my life is kind of ruined now, over something stupid, and YES I KNOW IT WAS STUPID, and it doesn't fucking help to keep pointing that out, Aeron, thank you... but I don't see why she's doing this to me. Does she know what's going to happen? I mean, I would GLADLY pay for her stupid car, I don't care... but... why ruin everything for me? Why is she doing this?

If you have any of my books, CDs, movies, clothes, or anything... I would like them back. Also if you were going to burn me CDs or if anyone was actually going to bother getting me something for my birthday, I'd like those too. We can set up a day to meet at the mall or something, I don't know. Also, if you think I have anything of yours, comment and I'll see. Thanks.

I hate myself, my life, and my family. The only thing making this bearable is that Bridget made me laugh about it... sometimes she's all right. She kept me from killing myself yesterday, at least.

He doesn't want me. They don't care. They hate me. I am worthless, no one cares. The one person I thought would actually care and want to make things better... doesn't. I am lost and alone. Fuck all of you.

jolie_folie @ 2006-05-23T23:30:00

2006-05-24T03:49:29Z

This thing with Jessica is really pissing me off, and I am venting angrily to everyone I know (including the poor souls who just read this out of boredom) to keep from smacking the shit out of her the next time I see her. May I present Exhibit A, AIM conversation with one Joseph L. Pezzullo:

IwishIwereAsian7: It would be one thing entirely if she actually liked you back, but to be jealous for no reason? Wtf
IwishIwereAsian7: She's being a bitch
IwishIwereAsian7: she's stringing you along, and hurting you, and ignoring you... she called me a whore, she's ignoring me, and she's assuming things
SKATEJOSEPH: well, she can string me along all she wants to, as long as she's willing to talk to me again...
IwishIwereAsian7: No, Joe. Don't say that. That's what makes me the maddest about this
SKATEJOSEPH: I don't care anymore... and how does that make you mad?
IwishIwereAsian7: You are the sweetest, most amazing guy, and you're fun and a good friend, and just... in every way, you're perfect. You're sexy and beautiful and intelligent, and you really care about people... you are AMAZING
IwishIwereAsian7: and you're totally in love and she won't do anything about it
IwishIwereAsian7: Do you know that Kylie has been in love with you since eighth grade?
SKATEJOSEPH: so? she doesn't have to... If she doesn't want me, then so be it,... what??
IwishIwereAsian7: Did you know that when I first met you, I had the biggest crush on you ever?
SKATEJOSEPH: ?? no I didn't...
IwishIwereAsian7: Did you know that Christine and Mary Beth and even AERON have all had major crushes on you?
IwishIwereAsian7: Did you know you are like, the EPITOME OF THE PERFECT BOYFRIEND?!
SKATEJOSEPH: haha... GAY AERON??
IwishIwereAsian7: Don't ever fucking say that you're not worth anything, and don't you EVER let me hear you say something like "she can string me along all she wants" EVER AGAIN
IwishIwereAsian7: You are amazing, Joe, and you deserve someone who can see that, and who doesn't NEED to be told a million times that you love them

Yeah, that was long, but 'tev. I mean, is there anyone out there who does not agree? >_<

Sorry Kylie, for betraying your secret. I was dithertwitching all over the place- I don't even know if Mary Beth had a crush on him at all, and Christine might merely think he's cute. I'm sorry if it makes you angry- at least you'd have a REASON. <3 :(

Anywho, I just need to rant and rave some more because this really makes me mad... like, burst-into-irrational-tears-and-scream-unintelligibly-throwing-punches mad. Like, if I see her tomorrow and try to talk to her and she walks away, I will fucking smash her face into a wall... mad.

FUCK JESSICA DAWN STREETS. If she's going to assume that I like... raped Joe or something, and not even bother to ask me about it (not like she and Kelsey ever DO question first, they just fucking excommunicate people), or if she's just jealous that his attention is going elsewhere, then who fucking needs her?! She is just being stupid and mean. C'est tout. FUCK THIS.

I'm sorry to Kylie, Christine, Mary Beth, and Aeron if I made you mad and/or it's not true... but I was angry and passionate. Please forgive me. However, everything else I said, I meant. and now I am letting it goooo....

IDAJTSSSFTTOATTSS

2006-05-24T02:06:54Z

Well. The Dixie Stampede thing was sort of fun, I suppose. If Aimee and Matt hadn't been there, it would have sucked a lot. Bah.

Jessica is mad at me for almost-sort-of-kind-of-not-really dating Joe. But Jessica, even though she doesn't like Joe, is insanely jealous of every girl he decides to like. I think she just likes the attention, but whatever. So now she's not talking to me... She's so fucking stupid, it's ridiculous. She's gotta be the most infuriating person I know.

Anyhoodles... heard from Jimmy! ^_^ <3 I miss him. He's alive, and has most of all his fingers.

I feel like everyone's slipping away from me... I don't mind so much, I just hate being lonely. I feel like I should start over. But I wish I could keep some friends until at least the end of the summer. >_> Why am I being ostracized?

I'm really trying. >_<

What a beautiful face I have found in this place...

2006-05-23T01:36:18Z

Today was.... very good indeed.

My secret mission went as planned, even better, I might say. ^_^ I am very pleased with the results and quite excited.

I cannot keep the smile from my face or the song from my heart, and it makes such a lovely change to be happy again.

I could quite possibly maybe scrap a passing grade in math if I sell him my soul... I wouldn't mind, I don't use it much.

My face is not infected and is feeling rather normal, actually. This is a good sign, methinks.

Le garcon is very silly, but as this turns out to be in my favor, it's all good. <333 He is very cute and I loff him.

Everything is going so well! By which I mean, today was good and currently I am happy. BREAKIN' OUT THE BJORK PIC!!! YEAH MAN.

Goodnight.

jolie_folie @ 2006-05-21T23:39:00

2006-05-22T03:47:16Z

Urbis.com is being a meanie-face, and thus, since I cannot waste my life away there, I have decided to update.

Not sure why, though... nothing worth updating.

Last night I played with Aeron and Josh and Joe, and it was fun times at the Waffizzle Hizzle. I like those gay kids, and the Joseph is not bad either. ^_^ I am kind of apprehensive to see what Jessica might say/do about it, though. And how he might react to that. Oh well. ^_^

Lots of reading, sleeping, and eating occur on the weekends for me. It's kind of nice, but I wish I had something like... worthwhile and/or productive to do. I should start going back to the yoga thing with my daddy. It was fun, and I liked it.

Tomorrow I have another secret mission, and I am anxious about that on top of everything else (read: failing high school, which is becoming steadily more depressing what with the talk of sending out the announcements and my grandparents coming down... what am I going to do?)... but I feel like it will be a good thing. I think I shall move it over here and perhaps the comfortability of all of it will make things clearer instead of more confusing. I hope. I don't know. >_>

I have decided one thing- we need to get away. Everyone one else gets to escape and/or has nothing they need to escape... I want to move away. If I fail and don't get to go to college next year, I am going to work like, three jobs this summer and save it all up, and then move somewhere new and start all over (not high school, obviously, that would be dumb), possiblement avec le garcon. Sigh. If only.

I really really really really really really really really don't wanna fail. >_< And for the last fucking time, I HAVE BEEN TRYING. I AM NOT FAILING FOR LACK OF TRYING. I AM FAILING FOR LACK OF UNDERSTANDING AND INTELLIGENCE AND IT IS NOT MAKING IT ANY BETTER TO ACT LIKE I AM NOT TRYING. FUCK YOU, I'M JUST STUPID.

That is all. >_<

Burn down the disco.

2006-05-20T02:36:16Z

Malled today. Went with MattMan and Joseph and Patrick and Karen and Irish were there, and we saw Jamie!!! and Jason and Jamie Mateo and Sally and Megan and Christy Serio and Holly and LEAH and Krystal and Holden and lots of other peoples. Whew. ^_^ It was kind of fun, and Joe bought me a REAL LEGIT LIP RING and a stud. <3333 Loffs.

Mmm... I am kind of floating between happy and sad and angry lately. I was really good a few days ago, and now it's just... bleh. ^_^ I dunno, man. I'll be glad when either I graduate or fail and either way it's summer, because I cannot pay for summer school, so I'll be free. Except for if I ever get a job.

Eighteen days until I am eighteen. My teeth hurt. This summer is going to have to be amazing. If it isn't, I will cry and be unhappy.

Too many emotions and thoughts for this one little shell.